It is important to healthy communication and problem solving between couples to understand the concept of triangles. This is the one habit that can cause great stress and problems to any relationship. When you keep talking about your problems to a third-party you are not solving anything and could quickly be damaging trust levels. A third-party who anxiously engages in these discussions is only fueling the drama and is not thinking of your best interests. The depression and anxiety you feel will only get worse.
Triangulation happens when there are effectively three people emotionally involved in the details of your marriage or other relationship. For example if you are having a fight and you go to your mother and complain about your husband to her then you are doing nothing to solve your problem with your husband. If you talk to your friends about all the things your spouse does that irritate you but do nothing to let him know how you feel then that is using triangulation. The difference between your parents or friends caring about your happiness and you constantly running to them to air all your problems, hurts and disappointments in your spouse is what makes this a dangerous habit.
I know people who do this day in and day out and never attempt to actually solve their problems. It seems as if they like having all the attention and feeling sorry for themselves or somehow want to get away from the constant anxiety and depression they feel. In reality it is a very immature way to behave and has the potential of creating a rip so wide that you will be unable to patch it up. It may temporarily release your stress and anxiety but there are more productive and healthy ways to do that.
People need to be able to trust that their relationship will be handled with love, care and consideration. They need to know that they can be vulnerable and that will be held sacred. When one party steps out of this boundary or brings another into it then the trust gets ruptured. Make no mistake about it, the other party will find out you are telling tales out of school. It will embarrass and hurt them and will only cause more problems than it will ever solve and the betrayal will be hard to overcome.
A person must be willing to talk to their partner about what is troubling them in their relationship so that something can be done about it. In mature relationships people deal with depression and anxiety in healthy ways. Both people need to learn to feel what they are feeling and then in appropriate ways discuss that with their partner.
One of the ways you emotionally abandon your marriage is when you talk about it to others in negative ways. If there are problems, discuss them with your partner. If you need help resolving issues talk to a counselor or pastor. The most important thing is that you understand that talking about your relationship problems with friends or relatives changes nothing; even though it might feel non-threatening and you don’t have to take responsibility for your part in them. But, and this is a really big one, no relationship will grow and flourish with triangulation, depression and anxiety running rampant.